Something I know from previous times I've had surgery that alters my appearance, is that at various points along the road to recovery I end up having moments of severe anxiety.
I'm sure this is just a normal part of the process. Having surgery is a major thing in itself, but add in the fact that you want certain results from it, both functional and aesthetic, and there is huge potential for worry.
My main aim with having my bunions done was to end the pain, but I also wanted to get rid of the unsightly bumps on the sides of my feet, and have pretty feet that I wasn't ashamed of people seeing.
I've had a couple of moments of worry, one of which is happening now, and they are both about the same thing - are my big toes really fixed or are they bending back over?
Now, you've seen the pictures, so you know that in reality the toes are much straighter than before. But I have times when I think they are shifting back over again. And there are times when it really does look like that, but then I wonder what other people's feet look like, and I reckon mine, now, probably look like most people's.
Or at least, most people who habitually wear shoes. It wouldn't be helpful to compare my feet to unshod peoples', which look very different (and presumably much more like all feet should naturally look).
As you can see, the shod foot looks like what we would call a 'normal'foot, whereas the shoe that hasn't worn shoes (quite possibly, ever) has more spread-out toes. I'm going to revisit this in a blog post at some point; I find the whole barefoot movement facinating and very appealing.
Anyway, what's been happening is that occasionally I look at my feet (first thing in the morning and in the bath are particular flashpoints) and think "oh my goodness! Look at my toes!! the big toes have gone back to where they were before! They're touching my second toes! It's all gone wrong!" and I feel like crying.
I'm sharing this only so other people who have this surgery will know that this reaction is normal and to be expected. It is also not rooted in reality.
Here's some pictures to show you what I mean.
When my feet have been resting for a while without the spacers, such as overnight, or in the bath, they tend to look like this.
Which does look horribly like the big toes have moved back toward the other toes. However, this picture is of the feet in mid air, not on the ground, plus some of what is happening is that the other toes have moved into a straighter position now the big toe is not constantly shoving them over to the side, so filling the space I've grown accustomed to seeing next to my big toe, especially when I have the spacers in.
Here is the foot placed on the ground.
I don't think the actual toe placement is any different, although the right one may have moved slightly, but being on the ground somehow makes the big toe look straighter, so my theory is that the pressure from the floor alters the shape of the rest of the foot. (And yes, I do seem to be holding my left foot at a funny angle, it's probably because it hurts, thanks to Emma of orthotics.)
And here are my feet after I walked (well, limped) around the living room, then stood still.
It's a subtle difference between this picture and the first one, but the toes have spread out slightly from the weight on them and the action of walking, and they look much more how I would want them to look (although never as straight as with the spacers, sadly).
So, I hope this shows how wobbles and worries are just that, and shouldn't be taken too seriously.
And if all else fails, I just have another look at my before picture.
Yep. Surgery definitely worked!